How to Prepare for a Presentation
like a PR0
Don’t.
Panic.
You
have a whole month before your presentation. That is like…so much time.
Presentation topic is open-ended, because your teacher rocks, so you can research
practically anything in the world. You
live in the world, so you can just talk about something you know. This should
be a piece. Of. Cake. Promise yourself you will begin work on your presentation
tonight. Wait, but you are going to the movies tonight. Maybe tomorrow, then…if
there isn’t a Dr. Who marathon on. You will be prepared this time. This presentation
will be your bitch, and you its master.
Two
weeks before your presentation. While doing the dishes, remember you haven’t
started your research…not even a little bit. You haven’t even picked a topic. Begin
brainstorming topics…use your environment as inspiration. Brillo pad…dish
soap…paper towels…the history of paper towels…the history of sinks…the history
of indoor plumbing…toilets…flushing…what happens when it makes that sound and
you have to jiggle the thingy—crap. Did you remember to flush a few minutes ago?
Flush…flusssshhhhhh…that’s a weird word…fa-lush…water, flushed cheeks, cold
weather…maybe you could write about cold weather…snow…snow
men…melting…water…sinks…dishes…brillo pads…UGH! WHY didn’t that DAMN TEACHER
give you more specifics for picking your TOPIC?! Anything in the WORLD? The
world is like…so HUGE…
Give
up for now. You are good under pressure…you’ll think of something.
One
week before presentation. Time to panic.
Pace around your house for 10 minutes. Oo! Hunger Games Catching Fire on Netflix! Grab the popcorn!
Three
days before your presentation. Choose a topic you really like. Something you
are passionate about. Not enough information on the internet. Choose a
different topic. The pagan origins of Christian holidays. Nice and
controversial. Look at Wikipedia for 3 minutes. Phew…you should eat some ice
cream and go to bed, searching the internet is hard work. Nice job you.
‘Twas
the night before due date…and all through your mind...you’re getting an F…’cause
your so behind…
Stay
up until 4am preparing. Drink a pot of coffee. Make a PowerPoint with
distracting animations. Maybe they won’t notice your research is sloppy. Rehearse
everything you are going to say 20 times. Throw up twice. Drink more coffee and
eat some Cheetos. Get 3 hours of sleep. Slink into class with your laptop in
hand wearing a dirty pair of jeans with a Cheetos stain on the back pocket.
Forget
everything you planned to say. Excuse yourself to the bathroom and cry for 30
seconds. WHY ME?!!
Walk
to the front of the classroom. Set up your laptop. Look at the class—staring at
you. They probably all have A’s in this class. They are probably really
smart…and judgmental. They won’t get it. They think you are stupid. You ARE
stupid. A big flushing idiot.
Begin
your presentation. “Good morning fellow…uumm…”
Forget
how to speak. Forget how to th-- the
thing with the head and the voices in the head—
Ignore
the bile rising up in your throat. Swallow. Press your hands onto the podium to
keep them from shaking.
Accept
that you will fail this presentation no matter what. You could just walk out of
the classroom. Give up. Come back next semester. It will be different. You
won’t procrastinate…you will start working a month ahead of time, get a good
night sleep, be confident, prepared…
“Ms.
Gale…are you ready to go?”
No.
This is not happening.
One
month before presentation. “Sorry sweetie…I can’t go to the movies tonight, I
need to do my homework.”
